Following are ten different ways of milking a chicken (AMUL and Chitale brothers are you listening?)
1.Hire a team of smart professionals from McKinsey and Goldman Sachs. Pay them xxxBillion $. Get some fancy diagrams, presentations, feel-good-sentences (where there is a will there is a glass of milk!) and long sessions in training room for the chickens.
2.Take updates from the chickens everyday. Ask them three questions : How much i tried to produce milk yesterday? Any problems? and how will i improve milk production tomorrow?
3.Announce "internal salary adjustments" for all the chickens. May be 1 and 2 % hikes will propel them to produce milk!
4.For national level chickens, appoint committees like Arjun Sen Gupta committe or Sri Krishna committe. Give committee chairmen a paid holiday of 10 years on producing a 3000 page long report on "how to milk a chicken" ( I am not part of this committee !). And later on discuss this report in Parliament for next 5 years with Empowered Group of Ministers meeting in Maurya Sheraton every now and then.
5.Or better, chickens which do not produce milk might have migrated from Bihar or UP! So drive them away as they are a stigma in the name of chicken!
6.Take the chicken in a closed meeting room. Ask the chicken "what are the proactive measures? What are the preventive actions?Do you need any help, support or guidance?" And any other management jargons u like.And keep on questioning the chicken till the time milk trickles down or it dies!
7.Or work on motivating chicken. Send the chicken to onsite
8.Or start an anonymous chicken satisfaction survey, where in all the chickens would put their problems which hinder them from producing milk. And later on form a panel of 10 people to discuss-dine-wine the results for next 10 months or so, till the next time of chicken satisfaction survey comes.
9. Hire a phoren returned highly-riduclously- paid manager and ask him to repeat every now and then " you can, you will and no excuses!" to the chickens. May be that would help!
10.Rope in Arundhati Roy and Medha Patkar for all the above injustice done to chickens and start Chicken Bachoo Andolan
May be by this time chickens would have got arms from Nepal and China and waged a war against India Inc and Indian govt :)
Any resemblance to any real character or place is just a coincidence
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Once upon a time there was a manager...
Working with TT systems was always a fun for me. Everyday you get to see so many variety of people, so many things to observe and laugh at.
One such incident confronted me last week. She was a manager in TT systems. A typical north indian, whom you could see hopping around from one meeting room to another, with a laptop hugged to her bossom. A very frail, lean figure but with an air of arrogance( of course, did n't i say she is a manager?). One could always hear her shouting at one or the another team mate, hurling insults for not being competent enough!
So it happened we left for the day in our company bus, on our arduous jounrey to Sanghvi/Aundh. There was a drunkard, on the road, driving a bike. He was swaying from one side to another, in a typical Rakhi Sawant Jhatka type. Our bus driver being a skilled professional for quite some time, saved his life. So was he saved by the car coming from back, second time.
But our dear manager did not save him for the third time! She had an head on collision with this drunkard's bike with her car. He was lying on the road badly hurt, with a pool of blood around. People as usual, crowded around. Gheroed the manager, who by now was very tense and shit scared, with cheek and nose almost turning pinkish-red. I could see the whole drama being enacted, from the bus window. Our bus stopped.
Two of our over enthusiastic colleagues, Mr.X and Mr.Y alighted from the bus to help our manager. By now the crowd multiplied in numbers. There were talks of calling the police, ambulance, settlement... Mr. X and Mr Y entered the scene, bringing in lot of passion, for helping our dear little manager. Since settling indian-road-accident-disputes is not a quick fix thing, the bus memebers decided to leave, leaving Mr.X and Mr.Y at the accident site.
Settling the things took hell lot of time. It took almost an hour or two for the duo to help the manager out of this mess gracefully. And the issue was settled for some meager amount. Thanks to the duo, otherwise the manger would had to pay through her nose! So every thing said and done! Now it was time to part ways.
And here comes the hilarious part. The manager quipped, " I stay near by only. I have almost reached. See you tomorrow!"
The duo, stared at each other with a puzzled, helpless look. And then they enquired rikshawaala to drop them till Sanghvi, but the little bastard opened his mouth little too much. He said it would at least cost them 300 bucks with half return that amounts to 450 odd bucks. geeeeee.
So they boarded a PMT bus, and some how reached near by place. Ringed me and i dropped them to their homes.
So moral of the story: Beware of managers, and more so of female managers!
One such incident confronted me last week. She was a manager in TT systems. A typical north indian, whom you could see hopping around from one meeting room to another, with a laptop hugged to her bossom. A very frail, lean figure but with an air of arrogance( of course, did n't i say she is a manager?). One could always hear her shouting at one or the another team mate, hurling insults for not being competent enough!
So it happened we left for the day in our company bus, on our arduous jounrey to Sanghvi/Aundh. There was a drunkard, on the road, driving a bike. He was swaying from one side to another, in a typical Rakhi Sawant Jhatka type. Our bus driver being a skilled professional for quite some time, saved his life. So was he saved by the car coming from back, second time.
But our dear manager did not save him for the third time! She had an head on collision with this drunkard's bike with her car. He was lying on the road badly hurt, with a pool of blood around. People as usual, crowded around. Gheroed the manager, who by now was very tense and shit scared, with cheek and nose almost turning pinkish-red. I could see the whole drama being enacted, from the bus window. Our bus stopped.
Two of our over enthusiastic colleagues, Mr.X and Mr.Y alighted from the bus to help our manager. By now the crowd multiplied in numbers. There were talks of calling the police, ambulance, settlement... Mr. X and Mr Y entered the scene, bringing in lot of passion, for helping our dear little manager. Since settling indian-road-accident-disputes is not a quick fix thing, the bus memebers decided to leave, leaving Mr.X and Mr.Y at the accident site.
Settling the things took hell lot of time. It took almost an hour or two for the duo to help the manager out of this mess gracefully. And the issue was settled for some meager amount. Thanks to the duo, otherwise the manger would had to pay through her nose! So every thing said and done! Now it was time to part ways.
And here comes the hilarious part. The manager quipped, " I stay near by only. I have almost reached. See you tomorrow!"
The duo, stared at each other with a puzzled, helpless look. And then they enquired rikshawaala to drop them till Sanghvi, but the little bastard opened his mouth little too much. He said it would at least cost them 300 bucks with half return that amounts to 450 odd bucks. geeeeee.
So they boarded a PMT bus, and some how reached near by place. Ringed me and i dropped them to their homes.
So moral of the story: Beware of managers, and more so of female managers!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
