Following are ten different ways of milking a chicken (AMUL and Chitale brothers are you listening?)
1.Hire a team of smart professionals from McKinsey and Goldman Sachs. Pay them xxxBillion $. Get some fancy diagrams, presentations, feel-good-sentences (where there is a will there is a glass of milk!) and long sessions in training room for the chickens.
2.Take updates from the chickens everyday. Ask them three questions : How much i tried to produce milk yesterday? Any problems? and how will i improve milk production tomorrow?
3.Announce "internal salary adjustments" for all the chickens. May be 1 and 2 % hikes will propel them to produce milk!
4.For national level chickens, appoint committees like Arjun Sen Gupta committe or Sri Krishna committe. Give committee chairmen a paid holiday of 10 years on producing a 3000 page long report on "how to milk a chicken" ( I am not part of this committee !). And later on discuss this report in Parliament for next 5 years with Empowered Group of Ministers meeting in Maurya Sheraton every now and then.
5.Or better, chickens which do not produce milk might have migrated from Bihar or UP! So drive them away as they are a stigma in the name of chicken!
6.Take the chicken in a closed meeting room. Ask the chicken "what are the proactive measures? What are the preventive actions?Do you need any help, support or guidance?" And any other management jargons u like.And keep on questioning the chicken till the time milk trickles down or it dies!
7.Or work on motivating chicken. Send the chicken to onsite
8.Or start an anonymous chicken satisfaction survey, where in all the chickens would put their problems which hinder them from producing milk. And later on form a panel of 10 people to discuss-dine-wine the results for next 10 months or so, till the next time of chicken satisfaction survey comes.
9. Hire a phoren returned highly-riduclously- paid manager and ask him to repeat every now and then " you can, you will and no excuses!" to the chickens. May be that would help!
10.Rope in Arundhati Roy and Medha Patkar for all the above injustice done to chickens and start Chicken Bachoo Andolan
May be by this time chickens would have got arms from Nepal and China and waged a war against India Inc and Indian govt :)
Any resemblance to any real character or place is just a coincidence
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Once upon a time there was a manager...
Working with TT systems was always a fun for me. Everyday you get to see so many variety of people, so many things to observe and laugh at.
One such incident confronted me last week. She was a manager in TT systems. A typical north indian, whom you could see hopping around from one meeting room to another, with a laptop hugged to her bossom. A very frail, lean figure but with an air of arrogance( of course, did n't i say she is a manager?). One could always hear her shouting at one or the another team mate, hurling insults for not being competent enough!
So it happened we left for the day in our company bus, on our arduous jounrey to Sanghvi/Aundh. There was a drunkard, on the road, driving a bike. He was swaying from one side to another, in a typical Rakhi Sawant Jhatka type. Our bus driver being a skilled professional for quite some time, saved his life. So was he saved by the car coming from back, second time.
But our dear manager did not save him for the third time! She had an head on collision with this drunkard's bike with her car. He was lying on the road badly hurt, with a pool of blood around. People as usual, crowded around. Gheroed the manager, who by now was very tense and shit scared, with cheek and nose almost turning pinkish-red. I could see the whole drama being enacted, from the bus window. Our bus stopped.
Two of our over enthusiastic colleagues, Mr.X and Mr.Y alighted from the bus to help our manager. By now the crowd multiplied in numbers. There were talks of calling the police, ambulance, settlement... Mr. X and Mr Y entered the scene, bringing in lot of passion, for helping our dear little manager. Since settling indian-road-accident-disputes is not a quick fix thing, the bus memebers decided to leave, leaving Mr.X and Mr.Y at the accident site.
Settling the things took hell lot of time. It took almost an hour or two for the duo to help the manager out of this mess gracefully. And the issue was settled for some meager amount. Thanks to the duo, otherwise the manger would had to pay through her nose! So every thing said and done! Now it was time to part ways.
And here comes the hilarious part. The manager quipped, " I stay near by only. I have almost reached. See you tomorrow!"
The duo, stared at each other with a puzzled, helpless look. And then they enquired rikshawaala to drop them till Sanghvi, but the little bastard opened his mouth little too much. He said it would at least cost them 300 bucks with half return that amounts to 450 odd bucks. geeeeee.
So they boarded a PMT bus, and some how reached near by place. Ringed me and i dropped them to their homes.
So moral of the story: Beware of managers, and more so of female managers!
One such incident confronted me last week. She was a manager in TT systems. A typical north indian, whom you could see hopping around from one meeting room to another, with a laptop hugged to her bossom. A very frail, lean figure but with an air of arrogance( of course, did n't i say she is a manager?). One could always hear her shouting at one or the another team mate, hurling insults for not being competent enough!
So it happened we left for the day in our company bus, on our arduous jounrey to Sanghvi/Aundh. There was a drunkard, on the road, driving a bike. He was swaying from one side to another, in a typical Rakhi Sawant Jhatka type. Our bus driver being a skilled professional for quite some time, saved his life. So was he saved by the car coming from back, second time.
But our dear manager did not save him for the third time! She had an head on collision with this drunkard's bike with her car. He was lying on the road badly hurt, with a pool of blood around. People as usual, crowded around. Gheroed the manager, who by now was very tense and shit scared, with cheek and nose almost turning pinkish-red. I could see the whole drama being enacted, from the bus window. Our bus stopped.
Two of our over enthusiastic colleagues, Mr.X and Mr.Y alighted from the bus to help our manager. By now the crowd multiplied in numbers. There were talks of calling the police, ambulance, settlement... Mr. X and Mr Y entered the scene, bringing in lot of passion, for helping our dear little manager. Since settling indian-road-accident-disputes is not a quick fix thing, the bus memebers decided to leave, leaving Mr.X and Mr.Y at the accident site.
Settling the things took hell lot of time. It took almost an hour or two for the duo to help the manager out of this mess gracefully. And the issue was settled for some meager amount. Thanks to the duo, otherwise the manger would had to pay through her nose! So every thing said and done! Now it was time to part ways.
And here comes the hilarious part. The manager quipped, " I stay near by only. I have almost reached. See you tomorrow!"
The duo, stared at each other with a puzzled, helpless look. And then they enquired rikshawaala to drop them till Sanghvi, but the little bastard opened his mouth little too much. He said it would at least cost them 300 bucks with half return that amounts to 450 odd bucks. geeeeee.
So they boarded a PMT bus, and some how reached near by place. Ringed me and i dropped them to their homes.
So moral of the story: Beware of managers, and more so of female managers!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
We the humans...
Marriage as a social institution has always been a puzzle for me. Why do people marry? And if at all they do why do they end up in such mess, out of self initiative? All this lead me to do some soul searching on marriage.
Primarily from the Darwinian theory we know that there are only two primary instincts in man, like any other animal:
To survive
To reproduce
At the physical dimension, these are the only two prime moving factors for humans, like any other animal. The strive for survival is interesting in humans. It revolves around roti,kapda and makaan.I call this strive to be interesting because no other species of animal die out of hunger in the jungle, except for man in this non-jungle civilized world! Isn't it an amazing fact? No tree dies out of hunger thirst? Even it gets nourishment at its own place without doing any movement of limb(?). But man, "the most important, intelligent" creation dies out of hunger? Is it not a shame for the aadam zaat that 25 000 people are dying of hunger and poverty every day?
Well that is topic for another time. Lets move onto the second point of reproduction. Every specie has this inborn instinct to keep itself alive through future generations, a process called reproduction. And in most species of animals and insects it is the male which is very aggressive and takes the lead in the sexual activity. All the male of most species are polygamous by nature i.e they copulate with multiple mates.
This should have been the case with humans too. In the distant past in the early versions(? IT man) of human race, men should have copulated with multiple females. Then came the rules and customs for this. Rules like people within the same tribe, family should not copulate as by experience they came to know that this leads to weaker new generation. See . But it was also evident the stronger male, say like the leader of the tribe, had higher chances of taking away all the mates and leaving none for the others. This might have forced the society to bring up the idea of Monogamy and hence the insititution of marriage.
So marriage in this civilized world is an euphemism for the second basic instinct. Then over the years with strong religious and cultural programming many things came to be associated with marriage. Then marriages started to be made in heaven!
So by now we conclude that man is internally at the core an animal.
But there are also other dimensions for humans. In spite of being an animal it has somethings which are very unique and very different than other animals. No am not talking about physical differences like ability of grip and bigger brain. But the ability to think, ability to emote!
Yes it certainly sets human apart from the animals. With his thought process, his emotions he has sharpened his survival instincts. It is not for no reasons that man can be found in any and every part of the earth where there is no other species, like in Antarctica there are scientists who have spent 20 odd years!
But another question is do we really think? Or is it that only few think and others follow the herd? Some set the trend others follow the beaten path? Some venture ahead with the torch in hand and others grope in dark?
Primarily from the Darwinian theory we know that there are only two primary instincts in man, like any other animal:
To survive
To reproduce
At the physical dimension, these are the only two prime moving factors for humans, like any other animal. The strive for survival is interesting in humans. It revolves around roti,kapda and makaan.I call this strive to be interesting because no other species of animal die out of hunger in the jungle, except for man in this non-jungle civilized world! Isn't it an amazing fact? No tree dies out of hunger thirst? Even it gets nourishment at its own place without doing any movement of limb(?). But man, "the most important, intelligent" creation dies out of hunger? Is it not a shame for the aadam zaat that 25 000 people are dying of hunger and poverty every day?
Well that is topic for another time. Lets move onto the second point of reproduction. Every specie has this inborn instinct to keep itself alive through future generations, a process called reproduction. And in most species of animals and insects it is the male which is very aggressive and takes the lead in the sexual activity. All the male of most species are polygamous by nature i.e they copulate with multiple mates.
This should have been the case with humans too. In the distant past in the early versions(? IT man) of human race, men should have copulated with multiple females. Then came the rules and customs for this. Rules like people within the same tribe, family should not copulate as by experience they came to know that this leads to weaker new generation. See . But it was also evident the stronger male, say like the leader of the tribe, had higher chances of taking away all the mates and leaving none for the others. This might have forced the society to bring up the idea of Monogamy and hence the insititution of marriage.
So marriage in this civilized world is an euphemism for the second basic instinct. Then over the years with strong religious and cultural programming many things came to be associated with marriage. Then marriages started to be made in heaven!
So by now we conclude that man is internally at the core an animal.
But there are also other dimensions for humans. In spite of being an animal it has somethings which are very unique and very different than other animals. No am not talking about physical differences like ability of grip and bigger brain. But the ability to think, ability to emote!
Yes it certainly sets human apart from the animals. With his thought process, his emotions he has sharpened his survival instincts. It is not for no reasons that man can be found in any and every part of the earth where there is no other species, like in Antarctica there are scientists who have spent 20 odd years!
But another question is do we really think? Or is it that only few think and others follow the herd? Some set the trend others follow the beaten path? Some venture ahead with the torch in hand and others grope in dark?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Amsterdam
Amsterdam - A city build somewhere in 16th or 17th century when the Dutch society was in the prime of its glory after winning the 80 years war with Spain. The city gets its name from the dam built across the river named Amstel. To commemorate the victory of 80 years war there is a tower built in the city which is named in the typical Dutch style “80 years war Tower”. Dutch name things as it is!
From here as one walk towards the oldest church, one would be astonished to see some very antithetical things. A church, a cannabis shop and bawdy house – all residing at the same place! Well the reason for this strange cohabitation is something very interesting. In the 14th 15th century close to Amsterdam there was and still is a sea port where in sailors from different place would land up. Sailors are known in all of the English literature – as very shoukeen kind of people. All sharab, shabab, kabaab kind. So there sprung up flourishing prostitution business. The rising numbers of Catholics hated this; and to stop this, perceived perversion they decided to build a small church. Interestingly the sailors would come to the city, visit the prostitutes and kneel down in the church to absolve themselves of all the sins! Soon the business minded priests came up with a brilliant idea. They would listen to the confessions of sins of these sailors and make a list of them and would finally charge them some X amount for each sin. This became a usual practice and in times to come the small church grew to become a beautiful monument with all this money.
The Dutch also protest in interesting ways. To protest against the Church's initiatives to ban prostitution one fellow anonymous artists had left this work of art(voila!) on street and since it was cast in iron and welded well to the floor no one could remove it from there, and it still remains :)
Amsterdam is a very business minded city. Anything that will fetch money, help business is always encouraged. There is no moralistic jingoism – only money honey! So when the drug dealers started selling cannabis, again there were protests from the moralists’ lot. So these drug dealers came up with a cool idea of naming these shops as “Coffee Shops”. So in this way Netherlands should be the only country in the world where you do not get Coffee in Coffee shops but – cannabis. And when these moralist pundits would complain to the government that “look there is a drugs shop here”, the government would politely reply “Oh no! You are mistaken; it is just a Coffee shop!”First of its kind city also has a museum dedicated to Cannabis. This shown in the picture above
Netherlands has interesting rules with respect to cannabis. They have divided them into two - hard drugs and soft drugs. The hard drugs are still banned. But the soft drugs like marijuana and all are easily available in the coffee shops. But one is not allowed to carry more than 30 mg of drugs. But when in the coffee shops you can smoke to your wallets limitJ. Much against the widely held perception that banning things bring down the usage – the reverse has happened - since the last 30 years when this rule has come into existence the number of soft drug users has still remained the same. So even with this open policy they could control the cannabis usage.
Many of the buildings on the sides of canals on lean towards one side. So if you observe the orange colored building there is a slight tilt to the left. There are many theories of why is it so, of course, this is not a place to discuss that.
Ever wondered why the sign XXX is associated with adult movies??? Yes it has its roots in Amsterdam. The sign XXX was originally attributed to the Sailors, but because of their affectionate association with the prostitutes here, it got somehow linked with them too. So in the late 60s and 70s when blue films were banned in most of the developed nations like US, UK, Australia et al, there used to be illegal export of these films from Amsterdam. And the postage stamps on these consignments had this symbol XXX and hence it got associated with the adult film industry :)
Everywhere in Europe it is very difficult when your bladder fills up as there are hardly any public toilets for free as in India (because if there are none, people gladly make use of the public space for the private work!). Every Indian would come to know how precious is their urine when they have to pay one euro for using the toilets!
But in Amsterdam one would find crudest form of open toilets for men and it is free! So it hardly matters if it is crude or anything when you get to do your job for free:). These are called “piss walls”. As the name suggest there is an enclosed wall, and you know what you should be doing when standing against it.
Interestingly there was nothing of this kind for women. So again way back in the 70’s (when the feminist movement was at its peak!) the women in Amsterdam started complaining. But in vain! So they protested in a very unique way. 300 women gathered near bridge. Lifted their skirts and spread their legs and you know what they did – yes they peed! They threatened the local administration that they would continue doing this on all the bridges until they build such free “piss-walls” for them:). And these you can still see here.
Any guesses what is this? These things you see at most places in Amsterdam where there are many houses around. In the earlier times any Tom, Dick and Harry who had a good drink and wanted to empty his bladders would make use of corners of the buildings. So to detract people from using it the residents came up with novel idea of "Piss-Reflector", so guys when you pee at it, it will come on to your pants !!! Later on the drunkards became smart to aim not at the corners, so the residents of the buildings would electrify the area like the 3 - idiot way
Amsterdam used to have large number of Jewish population before the war. There were some 60000 odd Jewish people in the city, which came from Portugal after they were expelled from there. As usual Amsterdam was there with arms open for the Jewish community. Because as mentioned earlier - Amsterdam is a money minded city. Jewish community was very competent in diamond business and it could fetch city lot of money. The Jewish families were given a place to live in Amsterdam and it is still known as Jewish colony.Shown above
Apart from these trivial and interesting facts (?), the point I would like to emphasize is the open spirit of Amsterdam. An attitude of tolerance! Where tolerance is not just a religious jingoism which needs to be touted at every world religious congress. When in world war II Nazis were after Jewish blood, there were many organizations within Amsterdam and mostly consisting of non-Jewish origins who risked their lives and families for protecting these Jewish families. Only because they considered Jews as a fellow Amsterdamer and not as a Jew.
The photo seen above is of Anne Frank house, the museum dedicated to a little Jewish girl named Anne Frank